Post #1
I am writing this blog in hopes that if you or someone you know is going through a tough medical journey, my journey will help you when you, or a friend or loved one, feel hopeless and alone. When serious medical issues of any kind hit us, we feel powerless and vulnerable, terrified and confused, dazed and numb…especially if the doctor tells you – you have cancer. I can tell you from firsthand experience you will feel all of the emotions listed and then some. But I can also tell you that there is hope for so many cancer patients. Cancer is no longer a death sentence; we don’t have to wait for our cancerous tumors to come and take our lives. So much has changed in the treatment of cancer. Please do not misunderstand, it is a very serious and deadly disease and I also know that it doesn’t always end in victory for everyone. It is a tough, scary, and ugly battle that for many ends in death. These are issues you are faced with when you are diagnosed with this menace of a disease.
My journey, just like anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer, was long and so very emotional at times. We have no idea what is going on inside of our own bodies…we can’t see inside of ourselves. Some cancers, like mine, are caught very early and are easier to treat and have better and even lifesaving results. Cancer is not easy to detect as it is growing inside of you, until you have a symptom, or your doctor finds it on a yearly check-up visit…like mine. Cancer will not only wreak havoc on your body, it will invade your mind and the battle begins and rages on as one doctor visit after another only reveals one more hurdle you will have to overcome.
Lord I believe; but help my unbelief ~ Mark 9:24
As with grief, everyone handles horrifying medical news differently. I was a worrier. I literally made myself nauseous with worry. I have seen family members and friends suffer and lose their lives to this evil. My mind went into battlefield mode and I started imagining some of the most horrific things that could potentially happen to me. I lost 25 pounds before my treatments ever even started. Although I was told that my prognosis was good (98% cure rate), I was petrified at the thought of those debilitating drugs going into and through my body. I knew I had to get a grip on my sanity, or I would lose it for sure. I had to find my way of coping with something I never dreamed would happen to me. I am a woman of faith…yea, I know what you’re probably thinking, if she had faith then why was she freaking out? I have faith, I always have, but I’ve never had it tested like this. Now I can say, my faith has been stretched & strengthened far beyond what I could have ever imagined it could be. The one thing I do know, there is a GOD in Heaven that you can turn to who will help you and guide you through this emotionally painful journey. HE will guide you in ways that will astound you, and when you are weak from the emotional drain of all the treatments and battles raging in your mind, HE will carry you. This is the side of cancer or any other life trial or tribulation we face, that I want people to know. This is my story and I want to share it with you to give you hope when you are hopeless, encouragement when you feel you do not have the strength to go on, and to inspire you to reach deep down into the deepest parts of your heart, soul, and spirit and bring out the warrior inside of you. That being said…
I Had A Dream… 
One night in late March or early April, I had a dream that I was in a very small, one seater car driving through the desert. As I drove I looked out of my drivers side window at the sparse landscape and noticed a few cactus and succulent type plants. As I turned my head back in front of me, I saw out of my windshield up a long dirt road, mountains – big, huge mountains. Behind those mountains were dark, ominous storm clouds blowing in. As I looked at the mountains and storm clouds in front of me, I said “Oh LORD, I don’t want to drive through that”. At that moment a white, mist type cloud swirled in front of my car and landed on the hood….and I woke. As I woke, I remember saying, “Oh good! The Holy Spirit intervened…I don’t have to worry about that storm”. I could not have been more wrong.
This is what the LORD says: Do not be afraid! Do not be discouraged by this mighty army (battle, enemy), for the battle is not yours, but GOD’s. – You will not even need to fight. Take your position; then stand still & watch the LORD’s victory. HE is with you. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is with you! ~ 2 Chronicles 20:15-17
In 2018 I figured since my last two years had been almost unbearable this year had to be good. In May of 2016 a few days before my birthday, my 83-year-old mother fell out of her bed. She was taken to the hospital where she remained for several weeks before being moved to a rehab facility. She was in rehab for seven months. She worked so hard at her therapy and much to our surprise she began to walk, after 15 years of being in a wheelchair, she was walking. She had to use a walker, but she was walking just the same. She was finally released and was able to return home in time for Thanksgiving. On May 25th of 2017, again just a few days before my birthday, she was in her scooter chair, heading back to her apartment at the assisted living facility where she lived, when the arm of her scooter chair broke off and she tumbled out on her head. She was taken to the hospital where we learned she had broken her neck. Three weeks later, on June 14, 2017, my 84-year-old mother passed away. I was crushed! So, as you’ve probably figured out, I was holding my breath when May rolled around in 2018!
May 23, 2018 started out like any other day, only this day I was going to have my yearly Mammogram done…Ugh! I expected it would be like every other mammogram I’ve had over the last several years. Have the mammo – wait for results – receive the phone call that the doctor wants me to come back for a Sonogram. Normally I’m called back because I have several fibroid cysts in both breasts and the doc usually will double check everything with a sonogram. However, this year was different…it felt different. On May 31st the day after my birthday, with much apprehension, I went in for the Sonogram that would change my life forever (in so many ways) and set me on a fast pace movement towards a biopsy, surgery and 8 months of chemo and radiation treatments. After reviewing my sonogram, the doctor came in and told me he was seeing something that didn’t look right and although it was a very small area, he felt that we needed to get it checked out to see what it was. I would need to come back for a biopsy.
On June 1st I went in for a biopsy of my left breast. I was absolutely terrified! And once again, with good reason. On June the 6th, I received the call that turned my world upside down. My biopsy came back positive – and not just any positive diagnosis – I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer. At first, I thought “triple negative” was a good thing…all negative, and of course that’s what you want when receiving biopsy results…only this was not the case. Triple negative means there are no positive receptors, making the treatment options limited. The only treatment for this type of breast cancer is a lumpectomy, and chemotherapy followed by radiation….I was petrified! I’ve never been a patient, never had any health issues especially something like this…I rarely even get a cold or the flu for goodness sake, how can this be happening?
The doctor went on talking & I heard very little of what he said. I heard him say it was very small, tiny in fact. He said it was a 7mm tumor…but…it was a fast growing and aggressive tumor and we needed to move quickly and get it out. He told me I was facing a long road ahead of me, but I would be alright. He said he wished that he had better news for me but he didn’t. My mind was literally spinning, I felt dizzy, nauseous, like I was outside of my own body in another world. The doctor kept talking…I wanted to put my hands over my ears and yell Stop Talking! But he kept talking, what he was saying, I had no idea. The next thing I know he was wishing me well and said good-bye. I sat at my desk in my office – numb – staring out into the space in front of me. I was completely devastated! Time was moving, but I was sitting still. I was absolutely paralyzed with fear. I was trying to make sense, in my crowded, noisy head of what I had just been told. I could not even form a coherent or comprehensive thought. I reached for my phone and called Philip (my husband). The moment he heard my voice…he knew.
Be strong & courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is the One who goes before you. HE will be with you; HE will neither fail you nor forsake you. ~ Deuteronomy 31:7-8
From here on out my journey would take me through the medical world of doctors, specialists, hospitals, and imaging rooms – something I personally had no idea about…I do now. But more than that, I was on a journey of self and spiritual discovery that has changed not only who I am, but how I view people, problems, happiness, spirituality, GOD…life in general. I immersed myself in the Word of GOD and I stayed there. The doctors have to give you the medical side of what your diagnosis and prognosis will be, I heard what they said, but I also know that I have a Father in Heaven who has the final say in anything and everything that happens to us. I began to go through the Word of GOD and write down every verse I could find on healing as well as all of the promises of GOD. I wrote them down and read them every day…still do. Throughout this entire journey I chose to surround myself with positive faith filled people and media. I was on a journey that for many is a fight for their very life and I was determined to focus only on getting through this trial with my mind fixed on Christ…I knew I could not do this on my own. I began to call it my desert journey.
The LORD tells us in 2 Chronicles & in Deuteronomy; Do not be afraid or discouraged, but to be strong & courageous…& HE even says it with force because there is an exclamation point used. That made me believe that HE meant what HE said. HE says that HE will go before us, be with us and never leave us or fail us. At this point, the beginning of my walk through the medical world of cancer, I knew there was no way I could do this on my own. When I would think about the days, weeks, and months ahead of me, I would become so overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty. When I found these verses, I realized I didn’t have to fight…the LORD will do my fighting for me, I was overcome with a sense of assurance and peace! Oh sure, I knew I would be the one going through the treatments; the one who would have to have all the preliminary surgical procedures & surgery done, not to mention the extremely strong drugs that would be pushed through my veins…but I didn’t have to worry about fighting the battle of cancer because the LORD said I would not need to fight this battle, it wasn’t my battle to fight. I needed to stand still and watch HIM win the victory for me! I wish I could say that I was brave and courageous throughout this journey, but I was not. What I can say is that each and every time I found myself sinking into fear and despair I would turn to the LORD and HIS Word and I would emerge with a new sense of confidence and strength.
To be continued…
